Arriving Home

What I found myself worrying about often in the years before becoming a mother was that the demands of motherhood would draw me far away from the person I had always been. Then, in early 2020, after the loss of our first pregnancy, I learned the shifting identity that comes with motherhood can plant itself within someone far before the physical act of caring for a child may begin.

Through writing, I began to reawaken from our loss, just as the world shut down and we entered into a global pandemic alongside a new pregnancy. Our journey toward parenthood began again, though under circumstances none of us could have anticipated.

We welcomed our first son in December 2020. Like many new parents, our early days were full of joy, fatigue, insecurity, and many life lessons. Gradually, and with each special moment – that first smile! – I grew more confident in my role and experienced more of a kinship with motherhood, a sense of True North in it.

As seasons have come and gone, and as we’ve welcomed our second son, the most pleasant gift this experience has given me is the feeling of arriving home—a return to a sort of balance and alignment within myself. I have found so much joy in reconnecting with parts of me that had laid dormant for quite some time, and with discovering aspects of myself I had never fully realized. And as my children grow, I am continuing to learn how to nurture myself with the same gentleness I try to give them. It’s been a beautiful feeling—like welcoming an old friend returning after a long time away.

Ultimately, an untimely injury and subsequent layoff have become additional, pivotal turning points, creating space for me to be more purposeful with my time and energy and to acknowledge the new person I have become.

In my writing, I reflect on all of this—and on what my early motherhood journey has taught me and continues to teach me. I have found that motherhood is not just a role, but also a mirror—reflecting how the way we care for the ones we love may be exactly what we need when caring for ourselves and the person we have yet to become.

photo credit: Katie Kopan