Arriving Home

In early 2020, I came back to myself through writing after experiencing the loss of our first pregnancy. It was then that I understood the shifting identity that comes with motherhood can plant itself within someone far before the physical act of caring for a child may begin.

I was just beginning to pull back the covers and reawaken from our loss when the world shut down, and we entered into a global pandemic. And a new seed was planted, and our journey toward parenthood began again.

What I found myself worrying about often in the years before becoming a mother was that motherhood would draw me far away from myself. But the most pleasant gift the experience has given me has been arriving home.

We can carry on living without acknowledging along the way the new person we are becoming, or we can welcome them like we would an old friend who has come back after a long time away. Growing up can mean rediscovering who we once were and realigning with the parts of ourselves we gave far too little attention to, for far too long.

In these times of intense mothering, when the children are little and the responsibilities can feel immense, I’m learning how to mother myself with kindness. And it’s been a beautiful feeling, this settling back into what feels like my most authentic self.

But of course, it’s not just motherhood that can trigger this self-discovery. I’ve experienced thousands of micro-moments that have brought me here. Aren’t we all in a continuous cycle of knowing and unknowing? Of redefinition?

And that is what this is all about. It’s about how we mother those around us, but also, how we choose to mother ourselves. It’s about recognizing the nurturing that is taking place all around us, and stopping to notice it and embrace it fully.

photo credit: Katie Kopan